Friday, November 9, 2012

On Loss

If you are squeamish or generally uninterested in reading about the personal and medical matters of another's life, you best stop here.  I have plenty of other interesting, not-so-personal posts that will mostly likely suit you.  But today, I'm getting a little deep....

This was a hard week for me.  A week of confusion, uncertainty, disappointment, and ultimately loss.  My husband and I have three beautiful, young children, and at this time last week, I was pregnant with number four.  At least, I thought I was pregnant with number four.  I could hardly believe that I had kept the secret so long, since I have such a *huge* mouth.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I talk about anything with anyone.  So the fact that I was 10+ weeks along and hadn't told more than a handful of people was quite an accomplishment.  I couldn't wait to see my family in a few weeks and tell them the news--they'd be shocked that I was almost three months along and they hadn't even known!!

But then there was spotting.... and then a doctor's appointment without hearing any baby heartbeat... and then an ultrasound with only a six week sac... and then blood levels that showed my pregnancy hormones dropping... Days later the actual process of miscarrying begun, and the blood flow and pain was more than I ever anticipated.  As if knowing you lost your precious baby wasn't bad enough, then you had to actually get all of that nonviable pregnancy out of your body--not an easy thing to do, especially at 11 weeks along.  My heart breaks even more now to think of women who are even in their second and third trimester and lose their babies.  I think I'd probably become a hermit for a *long* while until I could deal with all that pain and loss.

"Blighted Ovum"--first time I heard the phrase and it's certainly taken over my week.  There was an afternoon and evening where there was still hope it wasn't a blighted ovum, just that I was much further behind in my pregnancy than expected.  But blood tests the next day confirmed it.  So many emotions.  So much confusion.  I thought I was going to be okay with it, but then the actual process started to happen.  Back at the hospital, I decided this wasn't so easy after all.

I will always remember this week.  And I am so thankful for my friends who have been there when I needed them--to listen to my heartache, to take my kids at a moments notice, and to bring me dinner when I could hardly stand up.  In this time, I am finding hope in a God who is good, who has planned good for me since the beginning of time, and in whom I can always put my trust.  May this Scripture give you encouragement in whatever trials you face, just as it has brought me encouragement in mine.

Isaiah 55

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
    come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
    and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
    and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
    listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
    my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
    a ruler and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
    and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel,
    for he has endowed you with splendor.”
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”